It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything new. I’ve had a busy, stressful, enlightening few months. Life can change so drastically and so quickly sometimes. I am as guilty of forgetting that as anyone, until it hits me straight in the face. There were many moments when I missed writing, missed sharing thoughts, and thought I might sit down to create a message or a story. Each time I tried though, I couldn’t bring myself to open the page and write. Since Babcia left us, I’ve found it hard to allow myself to swim in those memories and feel them again. Most days, it was easier to stay busy in the moment or to look forward to the next task. Ready or not though, life goes on (as she frequently said) and we’re picked up and carried in the current without any hope of resisting. Fortunately for me, that current has carried me back home to a familiar place.

Roomies

Babcia and I had always talked about being roomates some day. The restrictions of life held me back and then her illness took over her body and before I knew it, that window had closed. However, the situation made me realize that all that matters in life is being close to those we love and that the details can always be worked out. I moved home on Mother’s Day weekend, and my life has changed in ways that I could never have imagined. Yet there is a familiarity to everything that I hold close to my heart.

The first days in this house were haunting. Being in her house, sitting where she sat every day, hearing the sounds of the wind chimes and the birds that she loved to listen to, waving to her neighbors as they passed on the road outside… it was all difficult at first. It felt like I was waiting for her to come back from some place. As time passes though, I’m finding that the sadness has become comfort. I feel her spirit here and I know she’ll always be with me.

Home Isn’t a Place

My daughter was visiting one day and as we sat on the porch talking she said to me, “You know, every place you’ve ever lived has always felt so peaceful.” I told her, “That’s not because of the places I’ve lived, that’s because it’s always peaceful at mama’s house. I know because I always felt that with Babcia.” Mama is home, and when you’re home you are at peace. Coming to visit mom, I could always pile up on the couch and fall asleep in an instant – something I can’t seem to do any other place or time in my life with that kind of ease.

My grandson is about ten minutes down the road now. I get to see him regularly. We run, we scream, we hug, we laugh, we dance. I hope he grows to find Babcia’s house as wonderful as my daughter and my niece did. My daughter and I make grocery runs, have lunch, just hang out at home… all the things you can’t do from 700 miles away. My niece and I eat bad food together, talk about her days, play with the dogs, and I am in awe of the amazing young lady she is becoming. I talk with my brother and sister-in-law, and I enjoy the laughter and friendship and the fact that we are able to help each other out in the small ways a family does. All these wonderful moments in my life were missing and I didn’t realize how much they feed my soul. Sometimes you can’t see how empty your life is in the moment, until you’re reminded of what it could be.

Life Goes On

Family, old friends, new friends, the breathtaking beauty of Appalachia… all these things have brought me so much joy in the past few months. In her own way, mama brought me home. As always, she knew what was best for me and what I really needed. Babcia connected with people and she saw people, especially those she loved. I have no doubt that all the good things I’ve felt recently are her doing. A mother’s love is eternal. Because she had so much to give, I will continue to share her stories here. They didn’t end with her passing, as her stories are intertwined with my stories. They go on. She goes on.