Anyone who has ever lost someone, and that is all of us in one way or another, knows that the healing process is long and unsteady. The past three weeks have been heavy, hard, and beautiful all at the same time. Feelings, memories, thoughts, and regrets all swim in my head continuously. There are smiles, tears, and anxiety all just beneath the surface as I go about the business of getting back to life. I am grateful for the outpouring of kindness from family, friends, and co-workers. I am thankful for the demands of my job which keep me on a schedule and force me to continue to function as normally as possible. I know that these are the things that will carry me through until I am able to see past the grief.

Babcia was a very spiritual person. She loved her God, and she prayed to Him daily. She knew there was a life beyond this one, and she spoke of it without fear. While she loved her family and the joys they brought her here, she also anticipated a time when she would be reunited with her lost loved ones. She believed that we go on in some form. Maybe that is why I keep looking for her here.

Signs

I do believe that people can come back to let us know that they are okay. I have experienced this a few times in my life. A moment of clarity, a vivid dream, something that appears or happens without any explanation – I think that people know when we need them and they find a way to come to us. I guess that is why my heart and my mind have been wide open these past few weeks. I have been waiting for her. I want to believe that she is beside us still. I am not going to tell you that I’ve had some kind of supernatural experience, because I haven’t. There’s been no magic, no profound occurrence. And yet, the more I think about it, that is exactly how I know she is with me.

The Pragmatism of Babcia

I suppose it is because of the hardships in Babica’s life that she was a very practical person. She always found the strength to move forward and to not dwell on the past. Of course she had moments of weakness as we all do. Yet she never let those moments become weeks or months, she always continued to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Babcia had this uncanny ability to know when I was hurting or struggling, even from afar, as moms do. Even when I’d say nothing to her, I’d get a voicemail from her saying something like, “I feel like something is wrong so I just wanted to call you. Ja cie kocham kochanie corka. Love you to pieces.” Her words and sayings keep popping into my head now, as I make my way through this loss.

I’m having a tough day Mama. (What are you going to do, lay down and die? NO, you have to keep going.) I’m feeling sad mom, I miss you. (Life is for the living Tammy.) I don’t know what to do. (Life goes on.) Then there was the ultimate phrase she uttered at various times, “Jeni kochanie (ko)”. This one was a mystery to us; when we’d ask her exactly what it meant her reply was always, “It’s a good thing.” Jeni kochanie translates to ‘dear ones’, or ‘honey’ or ‘darling’. I’m sure that the ‘-ko’ she added at the end is something that is lost in translation. It became a phrase we used with each other in jest, “Jeni kochani ko, it’s a good thing!”

Life Is for the Living

I do believe that she is with me as I go through the days. In her own way, she is showing me that life does go on and that we must live it, each of us in our own time. It is not meant to be wasted by looking back, but truly lived by walking forward. Of course we take things with us as go. We hold on to little pieces of people and places, carrying them lovingly with us along our path. But life isn’t meant to be lived by circling back or by staying put. Babcia’s journey continues in another place. Ours continues right here where we are, in this time and place. They are not the same.

I must admit, I am dragging my feet right now. It’s difficult to keep walking when it feels like I’m leaving something behind. In my heart though, I know that I could never leave her behind. She is part of me always… my personality, my thoughts, my very existence. So I will keep taking these baby steps until I hit my full stride again, confident that she sees each step and is cheering me on as she always has.