I guess it’s true what they say about picking up speed as you’re rolling downhill. I turned 50 this year and the year has raced by to it’s end. I’m not even sure what I did this year… not unlike some foggy Saturday nights from my past. There are bits and pieces but it’s all so fragmented.

Here’s what I do know happened in 2019. First of all, I turned 50. It didn’t worry me like I’d thought it might when I was younger. I didn’t really have any angst to speak of. There was no big blowout party. I just sat by a campfire in my sparkly pants with a glass of wine and listened to Merle Haggard (and a little Billie Eilish) with my best friends, my brother & sis-in-law, and my daughter & son-in-law. It was relaxing, which is something we all need more of these days. It was real. I was with people I loved and with my dog… perfection.

2019 marked a year since Dad has been gone. I still feel him around sometimes, and I listen for him. I talk to him. He is a piece of home to me; I’ll always have that in my blood. He’s my hillbilly half.

It was a year of change from the inside for me. I’ve become more tolerant and more aware of myself. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes it’s disappointing. I’ve always had a strong sense of who I am, but I needed to be reminded and 2019 came along and told me again. This time I heard.

In 2019 I saw myself and those around me age. Age brings wisdom, hopefully some calm and settlement, and change. I’ve been struggling to accept those changes in myself and those I love. Time’s steady march is inevitable, as is the upheaval it can bring. Appearances, health, attitude, circumstances… none are permanent and the changes that come aren’t always what we’d hoped for. In the words of Babcia, “Life goes on”, and we must follow because our options are limited. Babcia also follows the above with, “What are you gonna do, lay down and die? No.” She has always focused on what is to come and not on what has passed. She passed this on to her children; no matter how tough it may be, I’ve always felt the future pulling me in and I willfully go trusting that my purpose awaits.

So here comes 2020 and the end of a decade, but the beginning of a new one. I know what I’d like to accomplish, and I’ll focus on the work I need to do. But in the end, I know that a year from now I’ll be looking back and saying how unexpected some things were. Change is certain, not much else is. If the moment is bad, let it go knowing a new time is coming. If the moment is good, hang on to it and keep all you can from it. As Babcia says, “Life goes on”. Indeed.